Tonight I had dinner with my old boss. He was in town negotiating changes in responsibilities from our location here to our company's location in Colorado.

He's very uneasy, he tells me. He told me things I was previously unaware. I wasn't surprised -- in light of my last blog entry. I need to be prepared to be unemployed.

There it is. There you have it.

I don't know how much I'll be updating Blogger for awhile. Reading and creative writing are luxeries. I need to start teaching myself how to look for jobs on-line.

Perhaps, if any of you are reading this -- and I know I have a few steady readers -- I can hear some comments on being a little older and how to market myself. My current resume has consistent dates from 1993 on -- after all, I didn't go to law school until I was well into my thirties. While sad, I think it's true that I have a much better chance implying that I'm in my early 30s than in my early 40s. I think I can get away with it. But I feel weird about it.

My old boss is gay, and so there's always been the open chatting about love lives, etc. He's been happily domesticated for at least ten years. Tonight, he told me that he wasn't sure he would do it again; that the relationship was a lot a work. From where I'm sitting though, he has it pretty good.

Oh well.

A few weeks ago I scheduled an appointment and met with the CEO. He's an unassuming, friendly, "everyman" kind-of guy. He was a bit distracted, as I had (unknowingly) chosen the appointment an hour before The Great Cafeteria Talk.

The Great Cafeteria Talk? That same morning, perhaps even within an hour of the meeting, we all received a meeting notice: "New Roles and Responsibilities" -- and a muffled hush fell through the building, like dark wool. There was plenty of activity, as people began gathering in offices, closing doors, or outside the entries, where rumors float and dissipate like the cigarette smoke.

At the appointed time, everyone clumped to the cafeteria. They announced a reorganization, and most of the people I worked with now work for someone else. Although nothing changed in my chain of command, by the end of the day I was notified that two of my projects had been "resolved".

Hah! A great time to meet with the CEO!

In my meeting, I pitched some ideas -- he seemed to listen. I told him I was ready for something new, I talked my boss up and said he could take on additional responsibilities. I talked about a job I had applied for in San Francisco. "Oh yes, I'll put in a good word for you," he said.

Nothing's come of any of them.

In my recent marathon of PBS television shows, I took in a show about the guy who mapped the human genome, and looked for genes such as those that cause mental illness. I missed some of the details (I was on the phone babbling) but the show went into eugenics -- gene modification for desirable traits.

Could this be applied in breeding traits to be CEO (or President)? "Leadership qualities" (however you want to define those) such as: Intelligence (*of course*); factors like Strength of Character, Integrity, Honesty and... Extroversion.

It got me thinking about how these factors would be applied to myself. I'm not the most extroverted. I've had several careers, and many many jobs. Truth be told, I've never particularly liked any of them. Although my resume is ready to go, I've felt ill in the little time I've spent looking on-line for jobs. I'm no spring chicken. I would be a reject in career darwinism.

So, my current thinking is that I'm going to ride the horse until it drops.

Maybe it won't be so bad. This afternoon, I was pulled into two meetings, and assigned two new projects. Job security for another six weeks at least...!

Tomorrow, I'm meeting with a banker. He tells me over the phone I should qualify for a new mortgage that is several hundred dollars cheaper a month than what I currently pay. Seeing is believing, but if true, this will help get matters in order.

And on an unrelated note...
Last night I had a terrible nightmare. In my dream, I was old -- I don't know how old, but older than now! -- and I was deliberating whether or not I should move to Los Angeles to be near my sister, brother-in-law and nephew. They were all I had left. I hate L.A., but I decided to move there. When I moved, I found that if anything, things were worse. My sister and her family had become complete strangers.

I didn't sleep at all after that.

And on that happy thought... I'll turn on the tv to see what can give me nightmares tonight. Maybe a talk show on what Bush's "faith-based initiatives" have done for gays or something...

Hmmm.... Maybe I better not...

There are Friday and Saturday nights where I wonder whether I should go out or not. Go on, my little voice tells me, Go out and have a drink. Don't be such a shut-in. Maybe make a new friend, maybe pick someone up.

There are times I do go out (just read the Cincinnati portion of this blog, hah!). But the last few weekends, I haven't felt like it.

Then I wonder, did I miss something? Perhaps I would have made a new friend, maybe I could have had some great sex. Maybe, I would have met HIM. (organ music/cut to commercial.)

Well, I guess I'm not too concerned.

I've made it through just fine without meeting Mr. Right to date, and I highly doubt he's waiting for me at a bar (although where he IS waiting, I have no clue). He, and I, can wait a little more.

As for sex and friendship: Maybe what kept me back was my experiences here before. Lots of smoking, lots of drinking. A little bit of bar-fighting in case things got dull. Maybe someone getting sick in the bathroom. Yaaaaaay.

I'm not missing a thing.

This is probably a good time as any to say a word about what qualities I look for when I *do* go out.

I'll pick a place where there's a good number of people inside, but not too many. Some empty seats at the bar for me to sit, or I'll stand by the pool table if there's a game going on.

I'll strike up a conversation with someone, sometimes people will strike up conversations with me. If I do the striking, I try to meet people I judge to be "my age". My age means these folks are at least 30-something. They should be in relatively good shape, and I prefer people who don't smoke. (Unfortunately in Ohio, that means almost no one.)

There are other qualities: I don't like barflies, so I avoid the folks who know everyone in the place by cutesy names, and have not-so-inside-jokes I suspect they repeat endlessly, "so did you find out whether the fireman had a big hose?" ahaaablaahabablaaa (cough coughing on cigarette smoke).

Dayton, at least two years ago, doesn't give me much to look forward to now. Everyone was a barfly. It was the first place I lived where people wanted to pick fights. One person snapped his t-shirt in my face; maybe he thought that was cute. I had a couple of aggressive folks corner me and get hostile when I said "no". Doesn't give a good vibe, does it?

Am I making excuses? Underlying this is another theme -- about aging and age-appropriate behavior. Is it bad to admit that I'm just fine sitting at home reading a book and watching a movie? Nah.

Well, not sure that this past weekend's alternatives were any better: I read that 1968 self-help book by Vernon Howard and... what a waste of time. Those books are like an addiction or something with me, really. On PBS, I watched The Unsinkable Molly Brown -- not that great, I didn't think.

On a better note, I knocked out a few chapters of Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird, a book on writing that is written simply and with humor.

Eventually I'll go out again. And I'll write about it. Maybe the local yokels will be different this time. If not, then Cincinnati, and now Columbus and Indianapolis, are not that far away...