Two entries in one day? Yes.

Reading over old blog entries, I saw how much being Single bothered me last year. But working on 'relationship issues' or whatever New Age Sensitive Male terms you want to call it, is not going to be a resolution this year. I've come to a wall of sorts, and am not sure if it's really a wall. How existential is that?

Oh, it's true I have problems. Maybe I've reached the point where I cannot even live with someone else. But how much of a problem is that really? I have friends and a few hobbies -- what more do I need?

I had coffee with a guy recently who asked me, "But don't you miss the intimacy?"

(That would be intimacy with a capital "I".) What I said, to the growing disbelief in his eyes, was: "I don't miss intimacy at all; I've had a lifetime of it." (Hah, that showed him, huh? Chased Mr. Intimacy right out the door. No second coffee date there!)

Of course, what I now realize I believe is: Intimacy = Pain. (Didn't I see that on a t-shirt?) And how I should have responded was: "Intimacy can be faked, just like everything else."

What is intimacy? Perhaps I should be ashamed or something to admit that at age 42, I'm not sure I've experienced Intimacy. But I could give a rat's fat ass.

I can certainly provide plenty of examples of what it is not.

So before I leave you readers to go dig out your Camus and Neitzche for a little lite New Years' Eve reading, it's not as all bad as all that with me, your ole buddy Hugshyhermit.

You see, I've come full circle. With the right guy, I am ready, yes! ready! to Experience Intimacy. I think I always have been ready, actually. Just in the wrong place at the wrong time and with the wrong guy. So many wrong places, so many wrong guys.

(heh heh.) Now off I go, to Washington DC, and maybe yet, to experience intimacy -- it's never too soon! But it's not a resolution, no. It doesn't make sense. It will happen when it happens, whether 2005 or never and I think this is probably a good place as any to wrap up my entries for 2004.

Although I'm not sure why, I always think of the week between Christmas and New Years' as a dark week. It's a time of driving with the headlights on, sitting in front of the television or at the table reading about the events of the past year. TIME hits the stands with its 'person of the year', Hollywood puts out the buzz for movie favorites, MONEY comes out with its year-end financial tips.

It's a time when nothing really happens. I listen to a rehashing of the year's sound-bytes, about the 'difficult choice' in selecting award recipients or nominations. I read the same tips for cleaning up year-end finances, and I watch the same highlights from the year's movies and world events. Right now, footage of the earthquake blends in with the hurricanes with the election with the snowstorm. I am jittery with boredom.

Did Hugshyhermit accomplish anything in 2004? I checked my blog entries of a year ago to see what was I obsessing about. Did I even have any New Years' Resolutions? I couldn't remember.

One issue uppermost in my mind then was the terrible state of my finances. It was a primary reason why I moved back to Dayton. And what I learned in 2004 was: Even though I knew they were bad, I had no idea how bad they actually were! I was living in a pretty blind way about my credit cards, and they had crept and compounded, I'm guessing, for a decade and maybe more -- who knows what all.

"You're always so good with money," Mom always said to me, "We never worry about you." (This usually follows earnest comments about my sister and her family -- no health insurance, savings, security, and money spent raining toys on my nephew, etc. etc. etc. the way Moms do.)

Well, Mom, I have some unpleasant news. Your son is terrible with money!

(One bright spot about having inferior math skills: Ignorance is BLISS! If I had realized just how bad it was, there would have been sleepless nights and an ulcer!)

As it was, the move back to Dayton saved me.

So, although it looks like I didn't make any 'official' resolutions for 2004, maybe I should have, because I really worked on what I needed to. Let's see if it works for this coming year.

Here are some resolutions I have for 2005:

1) Find a new (better) job
2) Move away from Dayton

Those are the biggies. Let's see where we are a year from now.