I don't understand some people. Oh, hell, maybe all of them. I can laugh and chat it up gratefully with a precious few and call them my friends -- people who act like they're my friends, anyway. The rest of it? A mystery.

Like my tenants. Maybe I don't understand them because they're my tenants.

I've never met one of my tenants. She's my tenant in Colorado and my Ex found her for me. She already owned a house (so why was she looking to move?), and had terrible credit (but who doesn't these days) and ultimately I took a chance she wanted the place for something other than a meth lab. She signed my Rental Agreement and -- so says my Ex -- she signed it willingly.

The Rental Agreement is about a million pages long and is that long because I created it myself with my Big Lawyer Degree. There's any number of caveats in there. She practically has to notify me -- in writing! -- every time she flushes the toilet. If I were a prospective tenant faced with a Contract like mine, I'd run!

One of the provisos is the Early Discount. If my tenants deposit their rent before a certain hour (yes, it is *that* detailed) on the due day, they can pay a reduced amount.

Recently, I had two voicemails. Phone message #1:

"Hi, this is [tenant]. I just wanted to let you know that I got stuck in traffic on my way to the bank, so I wanted let you know that I'm really going to pay my rent but it's not going to be by 2:30. It will probably be by 3:30. I hope that's OK. Ok, 'Bye!"

And phone message #2: "It's me again. I just wanted to let you know that I got to the bank at 3:15 and they promised that it would go in for today. Well, just in case, I went ahead and paid the late fee. Hope that's OK. Hey, I hope you had a great Christmas and New Year!"

Harrumph...?

My other tenant -- my next door neighbor -- called last week and shrieked at me and 'shriek' is exactly the right word. The most significant thing on her mind was that her leafblower broke last summer, while she was blowing leaves in my -- "your" -- yard. She was upset.

"I'm sorry the leafblower broke," I said, in the most soothing tone of voice, "but I don't ask you to use your leafblower on my yard. It is not in the lease that you are required to use your leafblower. I don't think I should have to pay for it."

There was a long silence on the other end, then, in a voice that sounded like she was being strangled, she said: "I've got another call coming in. I've gotta go!" and then she hung up.

The next time I saw her, everything was fine. I don't know what that was all about.

(Note to self: Add Leafblower Clause to Rental Agreements.)