Being Single hasn't been all that bad, really. As I move through life -- and particularly in the last four or five years -- I have been generally more calm as I have made decisions without considering the possibility of a relationship.

It is when I face the idea of a relationship that I feel the hollow of my guts. It is when I face the idea of a relationship that I can see how scientists say that computer coding give a clue into how the mind processes information. When I think about being single, I feel my brain physically kick into a string, an endless loop, that if I don't stop it always ends with a black flooding of screens rolling >error!userundefined>error!userundefined>error!userundefined

So perhaps it is hypocritical to even have a personal ad posted. My ad is unlike most -- most ads can be categorized against the the two extremes of long-lasting love or the no-strings-attached kind that lasts for 15 minutes. My ad is looking for "friends and dating." Whether based on my actual experiences or my emerging attitude to dating, the ad has best served as a way to make friends.

What can you tell from someone when they write to you? If they have no photograph, you have to piece them together from what clues they give you. Do they write in complete sentences? What thoughts do they express? And when someone responds to my ad that expresses ideas that give away they have a brain they use, that hollow feeling kicks -- but made worse with the addition of hope: Maybe this one could be some one.

My date last weekend, a blind date for me, already went in with extra points. He had seen me somewhere before he responded to me. That means he thought I was attractive enough. He had seen me with a friend, so he saw how I conducted myself. And he responded after all of that.

We were to meet at a microbrewery. I was going to sit at the bar and he was to come over and introduce himself. At the appointed hour, I sat at the bar and asked the bartender about brew specials.

The bar is quiet, it is mid-afternoon and there are only a few people. Could one of the few people at the bar be him? No one seems to glance in my direction. The bartender hands me a 'taster', a shot glass with the latest special.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see someone collecting their coat from the other end of the bar. He is getting up and is walking toward me. I get my first impression.

He is taller than me, but not 6 feet. He has a peaches-and-cream complexion and I can see he works out. A lot. He has shoulders, arms and a chest. What is a guy like this doing answering my ad?

We sit and talk. A guy like that is answering my ad because he is married and has two children. Nobody knows, not even his wife, and she doesn't know he is going to leave her and the kids right after Christmas. Nobody knows, not even their marriage counselor, who they've been seeing since the Spring. Is this for real?

What is he looking for? He wants to meet other gay people. Gay people who do not wear their sexuality on their sleeve and who are 'professional.'

What does he like? He likes to work out. Four or five times a week, hours at a time. He doesn't have to be at home when he's at the gym. He likes to watch sports. I tell him I only work out twice a week, for about an hour. I tell him I don't watch a lot of TV, and I definitely don't watch sports when I do.

How did it go? I don't know. I didn't know what to say. I said I hoped his wife was going to be okay.

We've been e-mailing. Yesterday, he 'spilled the beans' about himself to his therapist. She told him to tell his wife immediately and then move out of the house. Everyone will be better off even if the holidays are ruined. What do you think of all this?

What do I think? I don't know what to think. I think a guy who works out five times a week and who can bench press 280 does not want to be with a guy who works out twice a week and presses no more than 30 lb hand weights. I think a guy who likes to watch sports does not want to be with a guy who watches bad movies.

I don't know what to think. I think within a few months he'll be shaving all his body hair, driving an Audi convertible and have a string of 19-year-old boyfriends. That's what I think.

I don't know what to think.