start, stop and start
stupid acting smart
flirting with the flicks
you say it's just for kicks
you'll be the victim of your own dirty tricks
you got yourself to tease and displease

doors swinging wide
you walked in to hide
looking at your feet
failure's complete
saw you and me on the coin-op tv
frozen in fear every time we appear

I'm not surprised at all and really, why should I be
see nothing wrong, see nothing wrong
so sick and tired of all these pictures of me
completely wrong, totally wrong

go walking by
here come another guy
jailer who sells personal hells
who'd like to see me down on my fucking knees
everybody's dying just to get the disease

hey hey hey hey

I'm not surprised at all and really, why should I be
see nothing wrong, see nothing wrong
so sick and tired of all these pictures of me
completely wrong, totally wrong

I'm not surprised at all and really, why should I be
see nothing wrong, see nothing wrong
so sick and tired of all these pictures of me
oh everybody's dying just to get the disease
everybody's dying just to get the disease
everybody's dying just to get the disease

Pictures of Me -- Elliot Smith

Man, this song works on a lot of levels for me right now...

Yesterday, my friend MB and I went out for lunch. He had the CD "Either/Or" by Elliot Smith in the car stereo -- well, I was thunderstruck. I had never heard of him before: I've never seen "Good Will Hunting" and I didn't know he won the Academy Award for some song in that movie. Uh oh, don't tell the Queer Patrol! I raved so much, that he gave me a burned copy of the CD later that afternoon. I've been listening to it non-stop since.

I really like MB and his girlfriend. They're about ten years younger than me, and have a down-to-earth, laid-back way of looking at things. MB likes folk music, and plays in an old-tyme band; we are constantly talking music and he's had me listening to a lot of folks I never would -- I mean, Bob Dylan, ugh! His girlfriend belly-dances as a hobby. I particularly like MB because, just by stopping by his cube, he can take me out of the downward scrolling loop my mind sometimes (frequently) catches here at work. He reminds me there are larger priorities in life.

For example, the rumors were flying at BIPC this week. Today the axe has fallen, the other shoe has dropped: People are being let go as I type. Because I had sometimes (frequently) vocalized my unhappiness, I was half-expecting it might be me. But it wasn't. Not this time.

Before I leave to join folks for a "freedom hour" with one of my now former colleagues, I consider two halves of corporate America:
(1) Toiling at a job that gives no pleasure and adds no value
(2) Finding fulfilling work, but, at the whim of management or some other factor, suddenly out of job.

I consider the issue of motivation -- either as a staff member or as a manager; and how our lives are determined by what "work" we do.

I posted an updated personal ad on-line -- hasty, and maybe not a good thing. I don't expect to get many responses, I completed it yesterday and it's probably an angry little posting -- of course I try to couch it in terms of humor. So, tired of reading about "laid-back", "down-to-earth" folks who like to cuddle -- PUKE! -- my ad's tag-line says "'Cuddlers' Need Not Apply." I had begun drafting a narrative that was attempting to lightly build on this by outlining my compulsive habits; but I don't think anyone would get my sense of humor. I toned it down and instead said something along the lines of "Ok ok I'll cuddle -- but only if it's while we're clipping coupons." Ha ha haaaaaaa (NOT! Oh, it's pathetic). I've already gotten a "wink" from someone, telling me I have a "nice smile". Hey. Thanx.

MB is playing at the "freedom hour", and I'm already late. Cheerio.