I have a few blog posts in "draft" form, not yet visible to all you hordes of people who visit. And in the thought process of drafting, I reached a breakthrough (minor perhaps) on what I want to say, at least with the scriptwriting exercise and a short story idea. Because my laptop is still hosed, I guess I'll either write them out long-hand, or spend time typing them out at my work p.c.

The drafts began as further ruminations on my travels around Ohio with Chris this past weekend. While the one visible entry continues along in a same vein of hanging-out-in-bars-and-picking-up-guys theme, Chris (and most of my friends I might add) is in fact capable of weightier discussions. We talked about contemporary American culture and the hypocrisies of modern living. How can "you" cut through the crap and live a meaningful life? That's really what this blog is about, too.

Chris and I agreed on an essentially optimistic view of life. We're here for some reason; might as well make it a good one. If you've been reading this Blog, well... Don't laugh! I am definitely interested in the boundary between realizing maximum self-expression ("happiness") in our culture, and what constitutes pure selfishness. What is the role organized religion plays in this? What is the role society plays in this? What control do we or should we have here?

So... applying this to the short story I wrote earlier and which I'm using for my scriptwriting "premise", I came up with some vignettes that I can add to the original story: a woman who suddenly decides to abandon her kid. And what I want to show -- what I believe caused my tutor to raise his eyebrow -- is that I want everyone to be better off by that action, including the "demon" mother. Now I know where to go with some additional action/scenes/dialog. Yee haw!

Second, I thought I might write a short story about my "dating" M. The story in its initial stages -- meaning, I'm not sure what to write *about* -- doesn't currently have more put into it than two characters -- one that will be "like" M, and one that will be "like" yours truly -- and they're dating. As far as saying something about being single or dating (or not) in a modern world, I want to discuss the boundary between "the ability to compromise" as a factor in "successful" relationships versus "codependency" where giving in to the other person is seen as a weakness/illness, etc. Or the flip side: Taking a stand on something you believe in versus the accusation of the "inability to compromise". While I might not explore this in the "dating M" story, I'm particularly interested in the 21st century gay dating milieu of monogamy/non-monogamy. Closed or Open relationships.

Or not. I don't know. That's why I'll put off writing about closed or open right now. Pick something easier. (BTW, my personal take on that is that I don't give a crap anymore about monogamy. I can't control or prevent another person from doing whatever they want. Nor do I want to be in a position where I'm accused of holding someone back.)

Personally, I have been monogamous, for many years in fact. And it didn't bother me at all, I didn't think much about it. When the realization hit, slowly, like an oil slick seeping under the door, that my partner hadn't kept his side of the bargain, and maybe never had, it was like walking around in heavy oxygen. (He early took the lead in demanding monogamy and constantly yammered at me about the importance of exchanging vows to support this -- he had singularly strong opinions on recognizing gay marriage. And he was a minister, after all.) The times he screetched at me for supposedly having affairs and even supposedly checking out other guys!

When the shoe was on the other foot, though, when I confronted him; I got denials. I suggested therapy: I got accusations that "his needs weren't being met". I made arrangements to meet his supposed needs, and usually was the only one showing up for the party. Finally, when prior patterns re-emerged (secret, whispering phone calls in the middle of the night -- for those of you who want to know about "final straws"), something inside clicked, exactly like a light switch: I stopped caring about the relationship and I stopped caring about him. I have sometimes thought this experience -- which lasted about six years -- fucked me up. I have not tried too hard (uhm, not at all) to be monogamous since. I have also been totally honest about it with everyone I've dated. (Uhm, well, *mostly* honest with *mostly* everyone.) I KNOW we'll come back to this experience and these thoughts in other entries.

(For example, how does this play in with our culture's notion of "romance"?)

And on a lighter note...
Chris and I developed a Dating Rating scale using song lyrics by Madonna. Ha ha ha! We defined the following categories, on a scale 1 - 10: Physical Attraction, Chemical Reaction, Sweet Satisfaction (and/or Vogue-ability). And, when we started applying these criteria to folks we've dated, some interesting trends occurred. Here's a couple: We both have dated guys not our immediate "type" (Physical Attraction = 3's and 4's). What made it work (at least for a while) was "connectivity" that included sense of humor (Chemical Reaction = 7's or higher) or similar lifestyles (Vogue-ability = 7's or higher). And when things went sour, it meant that someone who had initially rated high on one of those two scales dropped. Probably "clear as day" to those of you well-adjusted coupled folk out there, but not to us, and lotsa milk-snorting-out-your-nose laughs getting there. One next step is determining what, if anything, could sustain ratings at a higher measurement. Come on girls, do you believe in Love? Put your love to the test!

Ideas?