Speaking of the things people throw away... Last night I spent some time cleaning out e-mails on my yahoo account.

I had saved the e-mails from two guys I dated this last Spring. Yup, me, I was "dating" for awhile. It was the first time in a few years actually, and I think (think!) I made a valiant attempt. I answered C's ad on-line last December; I met M in the backroom of a bar in January. I dated C more in the "traditional" sense until he called me up on July 4th to tell me he didn't love me; and things just sort of frittered away in May with M. OK, blog alongs, I don't give a crap how selfish or childish I come off, but looking through these e-mails, man, *both* these guys really really f&%$#g irritate me!!

Who did I like better? Well, I have to admit I liked M better. We always had a good laugh and a good conversation and yup, I thought things were pretty good in the sack, too. Things started going sour when M told me that he thought I was forcing him to make a "dating decision" and that he thought I liked him more than he liked me. So, I backed off -- way off, I thought. Should I prove to him I like him LESS than he likes me? Another time, he said "Why do you always put me on the defensive?" when we were having a conversation. You know, this isn't the first time I've heard that from someone, and I just don't know what to think -- ! And while we've hung out a few times since the end of May AND he got my gig at the opera, I don't know if we'll see each other even as friends anymore. I ran into him a coupla weeks ago at The Serp -- the night I ran into the guy who hadn't eaten all day so he could drink beer: Yes, it was kind of awkward. I had canceled our tentative plans for "Geighties Night" last week, but he hasn't yet called me back when I called a coupla days ago to see if he wanted to go to the movies. I have a friend at work, KL, who dated one guy for about a year and who called her up and said "Admit it, you love me." and she said, "I don't." I have the feeling that same thing would happen to me if I attempted a similar conversation with M. So, I won't call him again. (And I think that is sad.)

As for C -- bachelor #2. I'm sure if you put C and M next to each other, most folks would say that C was the better catch. He was better looking, had his own house, his own business, a sterile house that fell out of the IKEA catalog, a friendly dog that got along very well with Grace (after the initial fight for domination). But.... boy was he wound tight... and reading the above, I think "sterile" would be a good over-all description. I don't think he was too self-aware. For example, he asked me: "When was the last time you cleaned your bathroom?" referring to the black mold on some of the grout and caulking. Guilty As Charged! But.... his tub could have used a good scrubbing, too. Another example, he made a huge deal that whoever he dated had to have a good relationship with their family (apparently, unlike his ex). Well, I have a great relationship with my family, and while I'm not saying that tons of photos lying about is any indication of that, his house was devoid of any personal touch -- he had nothing personal displayed. He criticized the way I treated Grace, and apparently his dog learned all these terrible habits from her after we visited. What I'm *really* irritated with is that I decided to keep dating.. and that he broke up with ME before I broke up with HIM...! Hey, at age 40, you take the good with the bad, and none of these items were all so earth-shattering. He had friends, he was doing things... and if I could accept his quirks, then it was worth risking he could accept mine! I asked him what folks would say was his worst attribute, and he struggled for an answer which was "I don't know how to fight." And maybe that's true: I think he had a bit (a lot!) of anger hiding just beneath the surface that came out in his quirky ways.

I've asked people what they think my worst attribute is. I'm inflexible and unwilling to compromise. It's My Way or the Highway. I've spent a lot of time considering this, obsessing over it. I guess I'm expressive -- but I also think I'm respectful of others' opinions and gosh, I think I'm genuinely interested in hearing what other folks have to say. When you read those new-age, self-help Looking For Mr. Right Find the Boyfriend Within blcch, they're always talking about the ability to compromise as necessary to a relationship. I've really worried over whether I've lost that ability (if I ever had it to begin with, yikes!). Based on my recent experiences, part of me rebels: if someone I'm dating has an opinion, then they need to pipe up!

I have decided in the last week or so that my real problem is elsewhere -- it's Trust -- and it is far scarier to deal with that issue than it is to be alone, so I'll be alone.

On an unrelated note, I conducted a meeting with a cast of thousands on our G project today. I was told the meeting went well, and the discussion has generated a lot of e-mail action with folks completing the tasks I had delegated. But at the meeting's beginning, a few folks were sniggering into their hands. I asked CR why, and she said that "people who hadn't been in a meeting with you before aren't used to you." What the hell is that supposed to mean? (Translation: I act like a big fag.) Well, that's nothing new, and I'm well aware that I can be "animated" or some other colorful euphamism when I'm public speaking. Maybe being faggy was the real problem or block when I was dating, too. Certainly, C told me that he had a problem with too much "gayness". Whatever. Into the trash bin went their e-mails. So, I'll be a big fag and grow old alone, not trusting very many people. So Sue Me.